Brett Who? John David Booty Looking for Buried Treasure

In order to help the Celtics fans recover from the other night’s horrid loss and to ease my own nerves about tonight’s Game 6, I decided to bring some humor to The Boston Sports Party. While watching the Celtics get blown out, my friends and I were analyzing the name Magic Johnson. Earvin Johnson, better known as Magic Johnson, was one of the NBA’s greatest players of all time. His game transcended the point guard position due to his speed, handles, agility, and court vision for a player of his size. But the name Magic Johnson is legendary in our eyes for another reason…

Magic Johnson would be the ultimate male porn star name. Is there even a debate? I guess Mo Cheecks, former Philadelphia 76ers head coach, would come in a distant second. On that note, what athletes share elite company with Magic Johnson and Mo Cheecks? Are there any athletes with names that rival those two? I have accumulated a list of the athletes whose unfortunate names have made themselves into instant punch lines.

Coco Crisp- The former Red Sox and Current Oakland Athletic has a sweet and tasty name. Question: Coco, Are you cereal or are you just ‘Trix’in us?

Milton Bradley- Maybe Bradley could actually stay with an organization if he engaged his teammates in a friendly game of Battleship or Operation. Bradley has tried to have fun this season while with the Mariners. Rumor has it that Milton Bradley and Ken Griffey were playing a game of “Statue” a few weeks back, Bradley stood still at the plate with the bat on his shoulders while Griffey pretended to sleep in the clubhouse. Griffey has at least "woken up" while Bradley's bat is as silent as the Lincoln Memorial.

Rusty Kuntz- Yup, that is the name of Kansas City Royals first base coach. What were his parents thinking!? Seriously, you named your kid Rusty Kuntz! How has he not legally changed his name? Can we award him the Medal of Honor of going above and beyond the call of duty? There is no doubt someone made a joke about his name daily and he has somehow tolerated all the jokes. Rusty Kuntz, The Boston Sports Party salutes you…you are a true soldier.

Reggie Abercrombie (Independent Baseball) – Hands down the best dressed athlete in the clubhouse. He is roommates with Dave American Eagle, George Lacoste, Jim Gap, and Martin Ralph Lauren.

Hoof Hearted (Horse) – In the words of rapper Shaggy, “It wasn’t me.”

Chubby Cox- Cox was selected 7th overall by the Chicago Bulls in the 1978 NBA draft. Cox was a 6”2’ point guard and was equally as large in another region. Patrick Ewing, watch out.

John David Booty – Avast! Houston Texans backup quarterback is Jack Sparrow’s right hand man during the off season. Aye! Now I know why JDB’s roger is so jolly. It is from all the fine pirate booty he has been pulling in. He likes to drop anchor in international waters. Okay, I will quit the lame pirate jokes.

Smush Parker (D-League for the Hornets and Cavs) – It would be too perfect if Parker was overweight.

OJ Mayo (Memphis Grizzles Guard) – Sounds like a protein shake gone wrong. The McGwire brothers must have tried this combination in a smoothie before. How else could you describe a 17’ forearm?

Dick Butkus (Hall of Fame Linebacker)- Only fitting that Butkus would become a sensational linebacker. No doubt he became so talented due to his early training of pummeling his peers back in elementary school for any wise remark directed towards him. You definitely do not want to kiss his butt or else you will get yours kicked.

Carlos Boozer (Utah Jazz Forward)- And you thought Boozer got laid only because of his game while at Duke. That guy could ball and drink. Just imagine him on the Beruit/Beer Pong Table….yikes!


...Celtics fans.... stay optimistic. In Pierce We Trust. Let's Go.